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Friday, December 30, 2005 @ 2:08 AM - Audioslave Long time no see, eh? I've been thinking about what I'm going to do with my site. I don't use it as I have the last few years, and I don't have any goals for it. I haven't even been blogging much the last six months. Not at all, to be exact. Maybe I should strip the site down and just make a simple blog out of it, where I can blog from time to time when I feel the urge for it. Like I do now. I don't know what it is, but I always get the urge to blog when I feel down. Maybe it's because it's like talking to someone, although you don't get any responses or good advice. Maybe that's the exact reason why I prefer it, because it's like you're talking to someone who actually understand you and don't give silly comments and advice without really knowing what they're talking about. And as always, when I feel down, it's got to do with boys. I'll never get them, I bet I'll die an old spinster. But maybe I should start with the beginning (it's always such a good place to start, I've been told ;) ), it is after all quite a while since my last post and a lot has happened since then. Let's see.. The whole chapter with 'P' has come to an end now (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my last post. The following paragraphs will make a lot more sense to you then). You're probably all wondering what happened last time (hush, I know there's no one reading my blog except for a few stray readers who somehow end up stumbling over my blog for some odd reasons I can't fathom yet are grateful for, but just humour me, will you?), I'll give you a short run-through. P ended up staying with his friend during his visit in the city, instead of staying with me as planned. We didn't meet up again. He did, however, contact me over MSN while I was at work Monday afternoon (just after I wrote the last post to my blog, I believe), and told me that even though I was a very sweet and lovely girl I wasn't quite how he expected me to be and he didn't think we should keep seeing each other anymore. I was heartbroken. Imagine hearing this on work from the guy you're in love with, and having to put on an "everything's alright"-face, get through the rest of the work day without breaking out in tears, keep up the performance all through the one hour long bus drive home before you get home. And when you do finally get home, you get confronted with happy and cheery family members wanting to know everything about your day. Of course, it didn't take mum many seconds to sense something was wrong. She's a mother after all. Needless to say, I spent most of the day crying (and laughing!) while mum tried to comfort me. Being as emotional as I was, it didn't take much to make me cry of course, but luckily it didn't take much to make me laugh either. I think I would have made a strong candidate for "most diplomatic listener to the worst jokes ever"-award that day! P would be staying in the city for almost another week, I kept myself busy with my friends and even though we came to an agreement to meet up the last day, before he left, I never had time for it. So he went home. And come the end of the summer, I went back to school, and tried to forget him. I did well too, until I started receiving texts from him. First, it was only day to day stuff, but after a while he told me he still had feelings for me. I was dumbstruck. How could he say such a thing when he had dumped me the way he had dumped me? He explained it was because of what he had told me that night before he started acting weird: he's had a fucked up childhood (I won't go into detail, not even here where he's anonymous. I've never told his story on to any of my friends, and I don't plan to tell it to anyone. I don't see the reason why I should) and he's never told anyone about it so early in a relationship before. According to him, he always reacts strangely after telling someone, and since it was so early, it was worse than normal and he pushed me away. To cut a long story short, I gave him another chance and went to visit him. I've told you extensively about his last visit because it was needed to explain my last post, but I won't bother going much into detail of this next meeting, there's too much to it and too much that's still confusing to me now several months after. I had a great time with him, but things weren't as they used to be. I were a lot more "skittish" (seeing as I'd been let down once already) and he was acting weird again. When I came home, I was exhausted emotionally. And when I didn't get any replies to my texts, I snapped. I told him that it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore: the distance made so we couldn't let the relationship mature naturally, it caused an enormous amount of pressure and all in all I think we didn't really fit together. Later that day, I met him on MSN where he explained to me that he didn't have any money on his phone so that's why he hadn't replied. He also said that he didn't agree with my decision, yet there was nothing he could do about it. A week or two later, I sent him a really long e-mail apologising for the abrupt way I had ended it and explaining my decision in detail. I never got a reply. That is, until two weeks ago. He again contacted me on MSN (anyone starting to see a pattern here? Sorry, that wasn't a nice thing of me to say...) telling me that some of the situations that I had used to back up my arguments weren't as I had perceived them. He also told me that he still had feelings for me. But by now I had managed to put him behind me and move on, and I told him so. I really won't be going on any more about this because this was supposed to be a short summary. Now look at the post! I guess I'll finish off here, even though I've yet to tell what I really came here to tell about. But if I know myself as well as I think I do, I'll still be depressed about this later. Unless, by some miraculous means, someone sheds some lights on certain matters for me sometime soon. But seeing as the person who can do this is on the other side of the country (where I won't be for another full month) and has for some reason decided not to reply to my texts, that hardly seems likely. So I'll be off to bed now, and you can look forward to another painfully long, self-berating, self-pitying, cynical post. And when it finally comes, you can read it and thank your gods for not having such a messed up/non-existent romantic life and/or for not being so messed up emotionally/being able to interpret feelings and the complexities of relationships better than I can. Strike what doesn't fit, then go to bed yourself. Good night! -Kerian ~
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